Saturday, June 25, 2011
The audacity
I'm trying to become an audacious writer. Sometimes I think that it takes some sort of massive ego and a dash or audacity to even think that anyone will care what I have to say. Most days I feel that my humble view and opinions from my vantage point are not particularly insightful. Aaahhhh yes, grad school really HAS beaten me down after all hasn't it!! Too many writing projects and not enough time to actually complete a single one of them---or enough focus right now. I don't have the time to get into it now, as my head is currently filling with ideas for all of my kids books, my screenplay, my qualifying exams, my funding proposal revisions, and naturally my dissertation too. My advisor likes to say that you are never as productive as when you have too much to do. Let's hope he's right. Continuing to try to be as audacious as I am ambitious! :-)
Sunday, February 20, 2011
The BEST
Tonight while tucking Annika in, Andy and I were in bed with her cuddling when she said the most adorable thing. She grabbed both of our hands and with a giant smile on her face said, "Best, Family, Ever." It made me cry. I totally agree!
She's at the most adorable age right now, though she does have an amazing capacity to make me insane at times. She just says the sweetest things that make my heart melt. I love that kid!
She's definitely at the age of #305 on 1000 Awesome Things, and I hope she doesn't grow out of it.
We're just trying to enjoy it all we can for now, because the one thing we have learned so far as parents is that it is all just a phase. Sometimes that's a good thing, but in this case I will be a little sad when it passes. I <3>
(P.S. I wrote it in yellow b/c that was Annika's favorite color this week!)
She's at the most adorable age right now, though she does have an amazing capacity to make me insane at times. She just says the sweetest things that make my heart melt. I love that kid!
She's definitely at the age of #305 on 1000 Awesome Things, and I hope she doesn't grow out of it.
We're just trying to enjoy it all we can for now, because the one thing we have learned so far as parents is that it is all just a phase. Sometimes that's a good thing, but in this case I will be a little sad when it passes. I <3>
(P.S. I wrote it in yellow b/c that was Annika's favorite color this week!)
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Stuck
I feel stuck.
Stuck inside waiting with a severe case of cabin fever for this cccold to thaw the world & make it bearable again.
Stuck in a sad state of waiting for funding proposals to be reviewed and hopefully not all rejected.
Stuck with 2 sick kids & unable to go on fun outings because of severely runny noses and risks of spreading the contagious phlegm.
Stuck at home unable to work on anything productive other than the never ending pile of laundry and what's for dinner tonight. Yes, I do know that these are productive things, but I also know that I do not feel like I'm making any progress on my academic work because by the time my 7am-7pm kid shift is over, I hardly feel like attempting to engage in anything other than some light knitting or television watching. This is well trodden ground that I'm finding here, but that is little consolation when you have lofty goals of acquiring a PhD after your name and no feasible way to actualize it without ruining something in the process: your children, your marriage, your sanity...
According to Newton's 1st law, I need some sort of external force to act on me to move me so that I can begin my forward motion. I hate to think that my beautiful daughters or my fantastic husband were the external things that caused me some friction to slow my forward motion of progress on my degree, alas, I don't think it's actually that simple. I must admit my own short-comings and self-doubt have played a very large part in the slowing down of my ambitiousness.
The seemingly constant brutality that is this part of graduate school is NOT good for anyone with self-esteem issues, and I sincerely wish I could have the confidence necessary to push through this soul-crushing experience right now.
Of course, the truth is that I'm not really stuck. This is a very temporary part of school that I'm trying to wait out. I have several funding applications that I'm still waiting to hear back about, and the answers to those WILL be the impetuses I need to push me in one direction or another. Naturally, I have a super secret card up my sleeve for Plan B, but I'm hoping I get to do Plan A which is finish my PhD in a linear fashion by leaving by the end of this year to go to Berlin to do my research. We also have a plan C which makes me want to cringe, but I'm hoping that will not have to be put into action.
A very nice woman came up to me recently at a play room session at the Heights Parents Center and the first words she said to me were, "You know it gets easier right? You're just really in the thick of it." She was referring to my children of course (who are now 2 & 1/2 and 7 months), but I like to think she was referring to my whole life. I console myself regularly with the thought that when my children are grown and gone, I will look back fondly at this time in our lives and cherish it. I keep trying to see the big picture and trying to take the long view, but it so often gets buried beneath the everyday tasks that cloud my vision.
If indeed, "Life leaps like a geyser for those who drill through the rock of inertia," then I will keep drilling and hope for the arrival of a bulldozer soon.
Stuck inside waiting with a severe case of cabin fever for this cccold to thaw the world & make it bearable again.
Stuck in a sad state of waiting for funding proposals to be reviewed and hopefully not all rejected.
Stuck with 2 sick kids & unable to go on fun outings because of severely runny noses and risks of spreading the contagious phlegm.
Stuck at home unable to work on anything productive other than the never ending pile of laundry and what's for dinner tonight. Yes, I do know that these are productive things, but I also know that I do not feel like I'm making any progress on my academic work because by the time my 7am-7pm kid shift is over, I hardly feel like attempting to engage in anything other than some light knitting or television watching. This is well trodden ground that I'm finding here, but that is little consolation when you have lofty goals of acquiring a PhD after your name and no feasible way to actualize it without ruining something in the process: your children, your marriage, your sanity...
According to Newton's 1st law, I need some sort of external force to act on me to move me so that I can begin my forward motion. I hate to think that my beautiful daughters or my fantastic husband were the external things that caused me some friction to slow my forward motion of progress on my degree, alas, I don't think it's actually that simple. I must admit my own short-comings and self-doubt have played a very large part in the slowing down of my ambitiousness.
The seemingly constant brutality that is this part of graduate school is NOT good for anyone with self-esteem issues, and I sincerely wish I could have the confidence necessary to push through this soul-crushing experience right now.
Of course, the truth is that I'm not really stuck. This is a very temporary part of school that I'm trying to wait out. I have several funding applications that I'm still waiting to hear back about, and the answers to those WILL be the impetuses I need to push me in one direction or another. Naturally, I have a super secret card up my sleeve for Plan B, but I'm hoping I get to do Plan A which is finish my PhD in a linear fashion by leaving by the end of this year to go to Berlin to do my research. We also have a plan C which makes me want to cringe, but I'm hoping that will not have to be put into action.
A very nice woman came up to me recently at a play room session at the Heights Parents Center and the first words she said to me were, "You know it gets easier right? You're just really in the thick of it." She was referring to my children of course (who are now 2 & 1/2 and 7 months), but I like to think she was referring to my whole life. I console myself regularly with the thought that when my children are grown and gone, I will look back fondly at this time in our lives and cherish it. I keep trying to see the big picture and trying to take the long view, but it so often gets buried beneath the everyday tasks that cloud my vision.
If indeed, "Life leaps like a geyser for those who drill through the rock of inertia," then I will keep drilling and hope for the arrival of a bulldozer soon.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Funny girl!
This afternoon while cuddling with Annika on the couch, we had this exchange:
Annika: I'm checking your bum Mama.
Me: Oh really? What for?
Annika: (very matter of fact) ummm...for lizards.
Me: OK?
Annika: Oooh! I found one!
I promptly began laughing until I cried.
Such a funny girl that one. Where does she come up with this stuff?
:-)
Annika: I'm checking your bum Mama.
Me: Oh really? What for?
Annika: (very matter of fact) ummm...for lizards.
Me: OK?
Annika: Oooh! I found one!
I promptly began laughing until I cried.
Such a funny girl that one. Where does she come up with this stuff?
:-)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Mooo?
Today while breastfeeding Mayzie, Annika was trying to get my attention. When I turned to look at her, she was holding a miniature plush cow. She squeezed it and it belted out "moooo" and I couldn't have agreed more. I am gushing soo much milk that Mayzie can't eat it fast enough. She doesn't even really have to latch on at all. She could just lay with her mouth open underneath me and let the milk faucet drip into her mouth until she's full. Soo that tiny cow knew exactly how I was feeling right at that moment. Yes, I'm appreciative of having plenty of milk to nourish my adorable little newborn. I'm even happy that I'm able to pump some extra every day so that we can have some date nights banked with that little liquid gold in the freezer. I think I am just learning to have a whole new respect for those dairy cows.
On a much different note: I will try to post Mayzie's birth story soon.
:-)
Monday, May 10, 2010
If Science Worked Like Religion
I find the comparison to be interesting, though I can guess the predictable response from the other side.
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